Singapore, We Need a Better Understanding of Depression
I became the happiest version of myself after I was diagnosed with depression. With the word “Depression” in the title, most readers will click into this article expecting a sad story about crazy people. This article is not that.
Being diagnosed with depression was an overwhelmingly positive experience. Despite all the pain and fear I had in getting there, it was the first forward step in changing my life for the better.
The problem is that in Singapore, and especially in the tech and startup world, my story is the exception, not the rule.
In Singapore, one in fifteen people will experience major depressive disorder or clinical depression. Anxiety is known to be one of the biggest pain points for founders. One survey of entrepreneurs showed that 30% had a lifetime history of depression. And nearly 60% of tech workers report experiencing burnout.
But the stigma associated with depression is strong and undoubtedly prevents more people from seeking out the diagnosis and treatment they need.
Despite the risk of facing the stigma of depression on a wide and public scale, I am choosing to share my story. I want others to know that seeking help is a good thing and that our tech community is uniquely capable of supporting those of us with mental health issues.
If we want more people to struggle with depression, the best thing to do is to stigmatize and ignore it. But if we want to help people overcome depression, we need a better way to understand it.
Singapore, Tech, Depression & Me
I live with the ethos of “Always 100% or otherwise not.” I’m outgoing. I am enthusiastic about the things I do. I push myself to be better every day. And I use this energy in every part of my life.
This attitude brought me into a career I love. I do market development for a venture capital firm based in Singapore investing across Southeast Asia. Market development in particular allows me to be my outgoing, social, creative, working all the time and loving it, self.
Being 100% means setting each and every expectation high, the highest, and pushing myself very hard to meet those goals. I could easily put in 100% of myself, but I have very little control in getting a 100% outcome. When 100% in didn’t result in 100% out, I had a hard time dealing with the disappointment.
Business Insider Singapore reported that millennials (who now make up the largest generation in the workforce) suffer from soaring rates of perfectionism. We are ambitious, hardworking, and hold ourselves to extremely high standards.
Tech, in particular, attracts perfectionist millennials who want to change the world and, let’s be honest, make a lot of money. One prominent founder told aspiring entrepreneurs, “Don’t ever start a startup — not if you want to lead to a mentally healthy lifestyle.” The industry is fast paced, demanding, and stressful. And burnout is so common in our industry that the phrase “Burn and churn” is basically a mantra in HR.
There isn’t any one source or trigger to explain my eventual diagnosis. Depression is multifactorial. At some point my inner demons just assumed control of my life. I was numb, tired, and bored of everything around me. I had nothing left and wanted to do nothing at all. I moved through the days with emptiness, while my inner demons had a great time. They were stronger than me.
I think we all have inner demons that join us throughout our life. My work in tech is fulfilling, but also comes with pressure and stress, just a couple small demons to grapple with, just like everyone else. Other inner demons came from events outside of work, like dealing with my mother’s suicide when I was young. And there’s demons that just show up unannounced, like my unfortunately short fuse, which have no idea how it took root.
My inner demons slowly fed on each disappointment. When something didn’t go as planned, they ate breakfast. When something could have been better, they ate lunch; and when I compared myself to others, dinner. And it didn’t stop there. My inner demons gorged on feelings of unworthiness, uselessness, and doubt; and they toasted each time I chose to be affected by a stupid little thing or people who never cared about my wellbeing.
Sometimes I would try to skip the sadness by distracting myself with drinking and partying on overdrive, a temporary fix for a deep and growing problem. The helplessness made me feel incapable of doing anything. I was angry with everything and would lash out at everyone around me: my friends and family, strangers, or service workers who were just doing their job.
I was aware my feelings weren’t normal, but I couldn’t fight through it, which was yet another reason to be upset with myself. At this point, the demons were feeding themselves. I wasn’t winning any battles, let alone the war.
Facing Stigma, Getting Help
Before seeking out psychological help I thought I might need to just calm down. I tried to get rid of my worries with journaling, yoga, and meditation. I found calming apps, YouTube channels, podcasts and classes. I even saw a therapist once a month to talk away my issues.
Seeking out a “real doctor” had always been off limits to me — only because my ego held me back from associating with the stigma Singapore places on mental health issues. I couldn’t help but compare myself to others and say (talking to myself might have been a sign I was going off the rails), if anyone is “crazy” it’s never gonna be ME!
I am fortunate that the people and institutions around me are more concerned about actual mental health than its stigma.
One my oldest friend and colleague, Angela, was there for me to confide in about my struggles. When I cried my eyes out in the middle of a crowded food court, she offered me comfort just by silently sitting across the table and subtly passing over tissues to wipe away the tears. The forward-thinking firm I work for also includes psychological treatment in its insurance coverage, which absolutely helped, as you have no clue how costly private healthcare are in Singapore. I did consider seeking a public healthcare psychiatrist consult, but the wait time was 2 months, which was something I did not want to wait around for.
The truth was that I needed a psychiatrist just as much as someone with heart disease needs a cardiologist. No one wants a bad diagnosis. But when it comes to mental health in particular, a diagnosis can feel more like a stab at who you are as a person than a medical issue. The stigma of depression isn’t just about how you will be perceived by others, but also how you will perceive yourself.
Walking out of my first psychiatrist visit, my eyes were swollen from crying. I had been highly defensive and was confused about the month’s supply of Lexapro in my hand. Who was that doctor? What did he know? Is he even legit? What does he know about me? Nothing!
I doubted and procrastinated. I sat on the medication for more than two weeks. During that time, I buried myself in books about depression, anxiety, SSRIs (a common type of depression and anxiety medication), who produced them, the side effects, the science of neurotransmitters, stress and anger management. I also sought out people who had similar interests, who would share what they knew and their own experiences with this type of medication.
Eventually, I took the first pill. The transition wasn’t immediate or easy. Depression medication comes with side effects. I had headaches, I was tired, and I yawned all the time. This was frustrating and being frustrated by the side effects seemed to be the opposite of what I was trying to fix in the first place.
But I stuck with it. I focused on learning more about managing my symptoms. I went back to exercising, meditating, tracked my physical health with wearables, and I jumped on an opportunity to adopt a dog.
Another two weeks later, things finally started to change. Somewhere in the combination of medication, education, healthy habits, and looking after a pet, I found calm.
Now, I’m the most upbeat version of myself I have ever been. I finally have control and my inner demons have taken a back seat. I get to live my life and am a much better person.
What works for me may not work for you, but here’s my winning strategy: face depression, head held high, and conquer it. If this means seeing a doctor, no problem. If you have to bury yourself in books to appreciate medication, exercise, meditation, or whatever helps you — do it. If you need to reach out to the people around you, don’t be afraid.
We All Have a Part to Play
I don’t know what my life would be like today if I didn’t have the support of my friends, family, and colleagues.
My friends did not question, respected my space, and allowed me to fade away and jump back in when I was ready. My family knew exactly how to subtly check in on me. I work for bosses who understand that paying for mental health treatments is just as important as paying for any other disease. They campaigned hard to find a health insurance plan to cover psychological treatment. And my colleague, Angela, was an immense light on this dark path. Having someone at work who I could confide in and trust was a cornerstone in my recovery.
Consider this: How could I have possibly found the courage to seek treatment if it meant I might lose responsibility at the job I love or the respect of my friends and family?
Depression is significant all over the world and in every industry. But we need to take a closer look at how we deal with it in Singapore, and in the tech industry, the unique stress factors that contribute to its prevalence.
The first thing we need to do is remove the stigma and understand that getting help for depression is a good thing, not a sign that you are crazy or undeserving of responsibility.
Singapore is an advanced nation when it comes to our economy, technology, and even medically, but we have a long way to go when it comes to mental health. We don’t do a good enough job looking out for our own mental health and it’s not in our culture to talk casually about how we really feel.
On October 4th, it was announced that the 2019 President’s Challenge, an annual community outreach and fund-raising campaign, will focus on mental health. During the announcement, political and metal health leaders symbolically removed the stigma to open the first Global Summit for Mental Health Advocates.
This means that the government is one step ahead of the tech industry. It’s time to catch up.
October 10th is World Mental Health Day. I encourage you to think about how you can improve mental health conditions in our industry. You can do this by simply learning the signs and symptoms of depression and reaching out to a friend in need. Or you can take a look at your company’s health insurance policies cover mental health.
I want to wave a flag and call attention to this. I want to tell my friends and community that it’s all okay. If you ask the people who know me, they’ll probably say I have always been the last person you can imagine being unhappy, but I was. If being diagnosed with depression can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. But more important than that, if I can find help, so can you.
